"Body and Soul"

I did not know this song at all before this, and I am in love. It's not the text, per se, not the meaning of it, anyhow, though the words fit the shape of line so well that they melt in my mouth. Bluesy, jazzy, nice range for my voice, and it feels so easy to sing. As a bonus, I also love the piano accompanyment, and I've played it through several times. Again, though, this was a very different era if this is a 'easy and adaptable arrangement with surprising musical twists. . . simple to play'. In this century, for the average home in America, playing the piano at all is not so common, and playing pieces like this one which not only has the usual plethora of sharps and flats, but also a B double flat. . . well, you don't see that every day in today's 'Easy Piano Favorites'. It also must be mentioned that in the notes to this song it says that a 'ok for the airways' lyric was added at the end, 'my castles have crumbled, but I am his, body and soul' replacing 'I'd gladly surrender myself to you, body and soul'.

I can't say that I'm up for body and soul surrender myself, but I do sometimes feel like a plant in need of water. I am a human in need of touch, of intimacy, to a greater extent than most of the people I know, except for some of my colleagues in massage, and a couple of my clients. I have no idea how I got this way, my family is affectionate, but not overly so. I remember at one point feeling like I could just go from lap to lap and be petted and held--and this was as an adult, albeit a much younger one than the current model. Shortly after that realization, I came to the unpleasant conclusion that this was an absolutely unacceptable desire, or so I gathered from my peers at the time.

Now, I don't know what acceptable means, but I do understand the rules a bit better. My boundaries are drawn very carefully, at times blatantly artificial to my eyes, but I stick to them because a part of me fears the backlash, internal and external. I touch my clients in a professional non-sexual manner that manages to be caring and attentive. I choose carefully which clients I will hug when we say goodbye. Since I'm very heterosexual, I'm extremely careful with straight men everywhere, and I don't have to think about this consciously for the most part. I'm friendly, I smile, unless I feel threatened, and then it's sensible to back away. I touch friends a lot in conversation, but hate that at almost every instance I think: Is this ok? What will she/he think? Could this be misinterpreted?

I get very sad when I think that I can't really relax my control around anyone, including my husband and my daughter. But maybe that's growing up, too, another thing to be mature and responsible about. It doesn't come close to addressing my need for touch, but I think I've given up on having it fufilled. I assume that somehow I'm broken and inherently inappropriate, and that those broken pieces will not be soothed.