"Whither Thou Goest"

The story of Ruth and Naomi in the Bible is compelling, evocative. This song attempts to draw on that, but only succeeds halfway. The melody is rather beautiful, but the text become self-referential in a distracting way. Commit! Commit! Start by knowing, consciously, what you're committing to! Don't be wishy washy!

Lately I have felt that my struggles, my questions, are not so much for public consumption. I have missed the writing, the deliberate organization of my thoughts. A friend has recommended resuming my journaling practice, and this does make some sense. It doesn't matter how intensely personal a journal gets, how whiny, how repetitive, how much it mentions my husband: it's all fine and dandy when it's only me that's listening. Still, as happened when I was pregnant: I have no desire to dwell on what's happening right now. I don't ever want to remember later. I want it to be done. I want decisions to be made, plans to be carried out, crises to be dealt with. Instead, I wait for more information, externally, and internally, as I untangle the ball of twisted yarn that is me at the moment.

Of course, there is some benefit to speaking aloud. I have shared some things, bits and pieces, an hour with my brother here, ten minutes there with a friend, or two. I have not yet reached the heart, the breaking point that lets loose the dam of my frustration. Who wants to be present for the flood, after all? Why would I want to subject anyone to that?

The obvious solution: seek professional help. Which I have. I already am thankfully aware that this was the right step, and probably way overdue. My therapist earned her fee today with a helpful hint towards dealing with my daughter. That alone: priceless.

I can't say that I'm exactly looking forward to this journey. Even knowing, as I absolutely do, that on the other side of struggle and grief and black night despair can be growth and wisdom and certainty: even then, this will suck. The goal is to get through it all with as little harm done to me, my husband, my daughter, our little family, as possible. It's good to have a goal.