"Hello, Dolly"

What a great song to sing, even though the end bit in this particular arrangement fell at just the wrong spot for my voice. But still, I'm learning that this isn't the big deal that I thought it was, I can do this. It might not be great, but it'll work somehow.

I get a lot of practice with my daughter around the issue of 'starting over'. I just can't hold a grudge with her, it's counterproductive for starters. But while thinking about it, I realized that I tend to not hold grudges in general. I have one or two that I can't seem to let go of, but on a daily basis I'm not gathering any more.

I do get angry, and that's a frightening thing to see reflected in my daughter, both her anger reflecting the fury of my youth, and her response to my own occasional loss of control. When I was in my teens it was understood in my family that my one brother got angry a lot, but was able then for the most part to let it go. My other brother held it all in, and when things burst I was absolutely terrified. This brother has mellowed some, and discovered a more Zen approach to things these days, and the angry-all-the-time brother has mellowed as well, it takes more to get him riled up. And me: I was, and am, somewhere between them. I was furious most of the time in my adolescence, and I'm happy to not be now, grateful every day. Now I think I hold some things in more, feel more Zen about most things, while I practice at other times being angry in a clean and 'get rid of it' manner. Then the trick is figuring out what skill--new, old, or improved--needs to be used when. For that, I trust my intuition, my gut. Then I know sooner when I can't resist making the absolutely wrong decision that it was, indeed, wrong.

At least when it comes to parenting I do know that there are always new and exciting opportunities to be a bad parent. Dozens every day, usually. I cannot worry about the mistakes I will make with her, it's too stressful, too impossible. When it comes down to making decisions about where my life is going, I can only hope that the mistakes are a bit less strewn across my path.